It's Time For A Few Laughs... Here's Some Boomer Humor

 You know you're getting old when...

• An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee!
   
• You can live without sex, but not without glasses.
   
• Your back goes out more than you do.
   
• Your best friend is dating someone half their age... And isn't breaking any laws.
   
• "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
   
• You sing along with the elevator music.
   
• You wear black socks with sandals.
   
• You and your teeth don't sleep together anymore.
   
• People call at 9 pm. And ask, "Did I wake you?"
   
• Your ears are hairier than your head.

•  A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup 

•  A Husband and wife have a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever " "Yeah?" she replies.  "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last" 

•  With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65-year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65-year old mother says, "not yet." A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says, "not yet." Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And the mother says, "When the baby cries." And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?" The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it." 

•  As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I95. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" 

•  Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available in her town, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?" The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven." 

•  A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth." 

•  A ninety-four-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong.  Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-two-year-old woman." "What's wrong with that?" asks the young man. Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love.  At lunch time she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal.  In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want.  And then at supper time, and all night long, we make love."  He breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?" The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live." 

•  There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will." The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say yes or did she say no?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. No even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didnt remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes or did you say No?" He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, Yes, yes I will and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me. 

•  An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!" The man asked the doctor, "What's the problem?" "Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?" "No," replied the man. "Do you drink in excess?" "No." replied the man. "Do you have a sex life?" "Yes, I do!" "Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life." Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half - the looking or the thinking?" 

Seniors Sex Guide

• Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.
   
• Set timer for 10 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
   
• Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!
   
• Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
   
• Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
   
• Keep extra Polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
   
• Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
   
• Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
   
• If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
   
• Don't even think about trying it twice.

• A trendy new nightclub that caters to baby
  boomers who find themselves unexpectedly single
  was raided by police last night. Acting on a tip
  from a twenty-something couple who entered the hotspot by accident, police were able to determine
  that many of the partying patrons were dropping antacid.
• The owner, who was taken away in cuffs, claimed, "I had no idea some of the customers were dropping
  that stuff. But somehow they were smuggling it
  past the bouncers - Alka-Seltzer, Tums, Rolaids,
  you name it. Had I known, I would have slipped them some complimentary club soda."
• A female boomer noted, as she was being booked,
  "I admit it. I've become addicted to Alka-Seltzer How would you like to be in your fifties and be back out on the meat market? I just hope my children understand."
• A male patron, who was apprehended while
  attempting to escape as fast as he could amble
  down the street, lamented, "I'm single, I'm upset,
  so no wonder I need regular doses of Mylanta.
  And there's nothing I won't do to get it - rob, murder, even pick up a bottle at the drugstore."
• To the relief of the distraught boomers, who have a seemingly irrepressible urge to enjoy life even
  into their later decades, the club is scheduled to reopen tonight.
  However, upon arrival the trendy crowd will notice
  that a new sign has been placed above the
  entrance, notifying them that "The Possession Of Antacid On These Premises Is Strictly Forbidden."